For over a week, I did not step out of the apartment. My phone was dead too. Hadn’t spoken to a soul in all those days.
After so many days when I stepped into company of people I was lost. I didn’t know what to say or how to act. I wanted to run back into my cave. I was comfortable there. Alone in my room, I didn’t need to play the game for which I no longer seem to know the rules. Or maybe I know them too well.
I know the rules. I know the game and my part in it. I played it before, and I played it well. Said and did all the right things. I was successful, I was adored by everyone. At the time I did not know that I was just following the rules. The innocence created a sense of romance. I am not innocent anymore. The romance is lost. I know that if I play by those rules again, I will be successful/liked again.
It was never about me. It was always just a matter of playing by the rules of the game. The ones who play it well win. I know that now. Once that romance is lost, it doesn’t feel great when someone says “Srivani is kind”. Because I know now that it has nothing to do with me. I just played the game right. If it doesn’t make me feel special, why should I go out of my way to be kind to someone? Why should I ask how they are doing or say they look great in that outfit?
I am losing interest in this game. But what else do I have?